Life of a Pearl

In front of me is this gawky, self-conscious teenager standing slightly crooked, while looking for something ahead of her. She is intricately observing the surface of what could be rolling hills and valleys cream colored with splashes of red and brown. Her expression is set in a puzzled, but overly-calm state as if that was her natural demeanor. Squinted eyes, furrowed brows, and a slight smirk cover her façade with either an intentional or not sigh, following with biting of her lower lip.


She realizes to some sadness and loss that her own reflection will never change no matter how much she tries. Her boring, dull brown eyes will never change with her clothing, her skin will rebel against her at the most inopportune times, and her lips will never seem perfect. She won’t even mention her least favorite facial feature, knowing all too well that the only change that could ever happen there is surgery and a long recovery she is unwilling to give-in to.


At this point I had a clearer view because she starts to straighten up and fix herself for school. Like most days, she debated on the choices between make-up or not, whether her hair should be up or down, or if the accessories coordinated with the outfit. She typically went with the navy eye liner with black mascara, no eye shadow. She reserved those for when she went on an outing or she felt like adding color to her eyes. Today her hair was up for the weather looked promising of a storm and that her hair would find a way to imitate the lightning strikes, while the humidity picked at her hair like cotton pickers pick at cotton trees. Her jewelry pieces for the week were classic and I certainly approved: were pearls and a simple necklace to match. Her bracelets, however, expressed her inner child as well as the things she believed in. There was always at least one on her wrist, whether it was the one she never took off, with the childish, plastic beads or her gold, thin one that her sweetheart had given her. She also never hesitated to have multiple bracelets on, no matter if they match or not. She had no discrimination toward those things or other people for that matter. Her choices of clothing where quite limited due to the fact that she went to a private school. Today was the same monotonous, washed out, yellow, three quarter sleeve shirt that always made anyone look a bit bigger than they were. Her pants were khaki with pockets that were useless to anyone for the cut was right at the hip and to get anything out was like trying to fit your hand in a hole that was two sizes too small.
She was lucky nevertheless. She had the sweetest friends anyone could ever ask for and a sweetheart that everyone would die for. Her parents had given her the dream car that she had been nagging after. Plus she was well known in the school.


Each high school day began with her least favorite class with the most interesting friends: English. Everyone there had a story to tell and a secret to keep. Her crew was known as the B-lock crew, and it was four in total. You see this crew was made of up of the most secretive, seventeen year old girls you would ever meet. Each girl had a different quality that made her fit into the group. The most talkative girl was also the most scandalous, thus every Monday was dedicated to her stories of the weekend. She was average height, pale, classic blonde, and a little more meat than the average teenage girl would ever want to be. The next one also had similar features, but she was thinner with more honey tones in her hair. The last one, her favorite, was of course, red-head. She was crazy, but friendly and always had a comment to say. She was the pinnacle of her life right now because she was the one that got her with her sweetheart.
So they all discussed and plotted regarding each male they were after while relaying their latest novel reads which always made the stories a bit more interesting when the girls experimented with their flavor of the week. However, our self-conscious brunette never dreamed of doing such things with her sweetheart, no matter how tempting it may seem. She was of course the innocent one of the group, the baby. She never minded because she enjoyed the stories, and the piece of advice she would give was always a keeper and useful to each girl.


These girls always brought her back to when she was just like them. I remember the time when she was emotionally abused by her ex-boyfriend. She didn’t feel any bigger than an ant, but she could not see that abuse because she thought she was in love. She thought that if she gave herself to him, piece by piece that everything would be fine. She was wrong because he was a jealous and envious man that refused to let her have her friends. After this tragedy she was lost as a person. She was nothing more than a shadow on a wall or a ghost that no one believed in. She couldn’t find a way out of her own dilemmas and refused to deal with them, so she dealt with everyone else’s problems. On the other hand, her current boyfriend pulled her out of the slums, out in the open, and into the light.


This past night stood against the rest, is the night that she broke free. All this week she was bombarded at all sides with projects and problems that piled up too high for her to break free. She knew the weekend was coming and that’s all she could hope for. Friday night finally came and she was able to see her baby, her sweetheart. He gave her the sweetest butterfly kisses all over her face that melted all her problems away. Later on, things got pretty heated which sent her into a panic attack. She remembered those nights that her ex-boyfriend abused and that she could never be as attractive as her sweetheart thought she was. As he was reaching for her shirt, she sighed a small phrase,” I’m scared,” and she looked away. She was turning bright red like a tomato and trembled a bit. He froze for a second and softly called to her. Realizing she wasn’t budging, he just simply sat behind her, wrapped his arms around her, and held her close. Didn’t ask for anything, put his head next to hers, and whispered in her ear,” When you’re ready, I’m ready. You’re beautiful just the way you are. I love you.” He helped her reorganize herself, but never let her go, still giving her soft kisses on her forehead.


That night shattered all the insecurities and doubts that were ever put before her. She was whole again like if nothing was ever missing. No longer was she lost and alone. She now didn’t have a need to examine herself for flaws and imperfections. She was beautiful just as she was. She became me and I became her, a pearl. Although I’m only a small pair of pearl earrings, I am simple and beautiful. Like me, she is stunning and unique. No one else is like her and no one ever will. She is beautiful, not because her sweetheart said so, but because he respected her and loved her for her.

The Story That Disappeared

As of all tragedies, they come and they go. Most stick like hot wax on a papery film. Other just breeze by like wind on a hot day. Tragedies are usually built from something that is closest to you, close to your very self. These never go away with time, they replay in your head. You're wondering if there ever was a chance, even the slightest, to change the outcome. And like all good tragedies go, those that stick to the heart; this is the very tragedy that plagues the heart of the author who you are reading. This tragedy, my dear, maybe common or could be rare; never the less it changed the very essence of my being.



This started in an unusual place to see tragedy; yet it's the place to run when you have one. Church. Such irony in a place like this. It's like you were there, people watching, as most Sundays, wondering if anything extraordinary was going to happen. I was young, no more than 10 I believe. A skinny, tall girl with more hair than you ever wanted to deal with. It wasn't necessarily long, it was just distaste of the use of a blow dryer.



My family and I did our usual Sunday routine: wake-up, grumble because you had to wake-up, run to catch the bathroom first, get dressed in something you hadn't worn in the passed month, and look nice for Jesus. We all rode in one car, black Mercedes E-class. We weren't rich, but my father had his mid-life crisis a few years before that and went "luxury". Typically we got to church around 15 til the Mass started and sat in the same section since my birth. It was the right side of the alter, section close to the center isle, and the 5th pue from the front of the section or 3 from the back. Rarely did our seats get taken, everyone from that time knew that we sat there.



My brother, with his antsy legs, decided to be an usher. Nothing big, just stands all Mass and helps people find seats. His "boss", not that they were paid, was a marvelous man. Older, with kind eyes. Always had a smile on his face. Then there was the array of other ushers, young and old. Mostly old. This tradition was set to them, but the younger generation was coming quick to slowly get them out of they job. Of course his leader would never allow that because the young needed the old like the old needed the young. There was a fine line between the wise and the ignornant, one that you shouldn't cross.



To be continued.....

How I Fell in Love with a Redneck: The Beginning

So I decided to write a little story about my life. OK, so it's only a segment, but it's big. It all started Senior year of high school. -I feel so old.- Well anyways, as most stories begin........ Once upon a time, the third quarter of my senior year of high school, I was in b-block. Typical b-block, it was a Scandalous Monday as usual. K and C always had some story to tell, while me and L were kinda stuck in our boy hating. L as usual was fighting her beloved Sweet Pea over something he did or didn't do that weekend. K was after the man that made her wild, but that man seem as fickle as her decision to sleep in class or not. You see, her man or men, -not that there was a crazy amount-, always seem to revolved around a certain religion. You may have guessed it, Jewish. OK OK, so you think it's about the money, but actually it's about the pants. Yes, what's in the pants. As much as she loved a sweet, honest guy; she wanted to be pleasured beyond belief. At times, I was totally with her in her man craze, but truly I just wanted to be loved like she was pleasured, like crazy. Now that leaves C. Now she was the steady one in our crazy group; her relationship with her man. They were crazy about each other and the stories didn't just end on Scandalous Mondays. I believe they started dating either at the end of Junior year or the beginning of senior year. He was a jock, a soccer player. He wasn't anything fancy, but they knew each other since practically out of diapers. -Crazy huh- So, I look at my B-block crew and realize that I, somehow, became the baby of the group. Being the only one with her goodies intact, really didn't help in conversations we've had. Since I wasn't on page, some things went over my head, but not for long. K, C, and L made sure I got the nitty gritty, down to the T. It's a funny friendship, all of us have. We have 2 main things in common: Kinkiness and Reading. -Go figure-

Well let me tell you more about my side of our Scandalous Mondays. I always had some guy that caught my eye, whether it is new friendship, old, or already dated. I seem to have been bit by some defective love bug that made me crazy about anything unusual. My latest craze was this guy that I met at a party. -I know don't do it, but my female side went rhdflkjhfglhdsguhdfhglj- To any normal single or sometimes taken woman, he was the thing you dreamed of. You know the saying," Tall, dark, and handsome." Drop dead handsome. So my B-block crew was excited for me, giving me the usual tips and making sure I didn't fall too hard. -Ha HA HA I did- Well as most relationships go when my mind and gut jump the gun, he left. He disappeared one day out of nowhere. It was devastating. All the girls were there for me of course, but I knew it was my fault, but his loss. -I'm crazy-

Now that your on the page of my life then, let me continue on our day. L of course telling us, about her silly asshole boyfriend that she loved -I had no clue why- relaying the he was now having to call her, for him to get anything. I was totally with her there. This guy seemed to be hanging her on a string and I hated him for it. -Yup I said it, Hating- Somehow in her depressing little story her brother always came up. No big deal really, except for the fact that every time she mentioned him, K perked up and I wondered why she always mentioned him. Of course I knew they were best friends, which I was totally jealous of. My brother and I have that mutual respect for each other at the time. Which works, but I'm the hug-since-you-know-me type of girl. K and C decided that they heard enough about this guy and went to their usual; K read and C text to her boo. I told L to come sit by me or I moved to her, so we can continue. She then continued to tell me about it and I of course told my advice. -Not that she took it or anything- I asked her about her brother, wanting to know how they were so close. She said that they had that quirky type of relationship that happened to work.

Which is kind of funny, if you were on this side of the story, where you knew the ending. L and I have this crazy bond. We instantly hit it off. I think anyone that knew us loved us. We weren't known to be together all the time, but it was there. We have similar personalities and trust me she could claim to that. -Back in b-block of course we didn't know how crazy similar we were.- She is the outgoing, love ya til you make me hate ya, understanding, crazy, spunky, red head. I am me. -snicker- Her brother on the other hand is quiet, quick, and funny. Not that we couldn't be those things, we just love attention. Which brings me back to how they were so close. They were each other's compliments. Someone had to calm down L, while someone had to ruffle up her brother. Luckily for L, she had a man to do those things for her, but her brother didn't have anyone special.

Everthing's Smushed

I've been asked to write by a dear friend of mine and I promised I would. What should I write about? My life, books, dreams, emotions. There's so much I could saw or nothing at all. What could I possibly put into words that move people to change. To think. It isn't about making the change, it's about sparking something that was meant to happen. Have you ever been in a situation that may never come again and you took it. You took that moment and made it yours. It was the best feeling of your life. It was like a release, but engaging. It could go with anything. Your life is a bunch of situations where you can make it yours, make it sweet, make it more than expected. It makes you tingle all over, from your head to your toes. Where your senses are more alive than they ever were before.

It's funny how life is. When you least expect things, it throws you things you wanted, want, and want to get away from. It happens every day. It puts you on the spot to make it yours. You hold the future, but you have to believe in yourself. You have to wish, to want; Believe everything and believe nothing. Go with your gut. When in love go for it. It doesn't matter how hard it may be. It will be the most satisfying thing. People may try to pull you away, life will throw all the people you wanted, want, or wish you have never met.

Let me tell you a story. True story in my life. My best friend since I was 10 left me. I bet you all are like it was just a friend, but he wasn't. He was my brother. The brother from another mom. He was always there when I had guy trouble. I knew he loved me from the beginning. It wasn't the love you come out of sane. There was a point in my life where I was scarred of him. Scarred. My best friend of 8 years. He wasn't wasn't well when I had a bad break up. He became possessive and it was hard to do anything without him freaking out. I repeatly told him I loved him, but as a brother. It tore at him. So he left. He was the person I wanted when I was younger, he was the guy that modeled the guy I want, and sometimes I wish I never met him. He still breaks his moms heart. He threw everything away because his love was different from mine.

The world isn't the end because the love isn't the same. Friendship is as true as partnership. There is a fine difference, but it is possible. Just because it may never be the same doesn't mean they will love you less because they know. Possession and obsession do nothing, but harm both people. We could've still been friends. We could've helped each other with the other's relationship when advice was needed. I still remember those days when jealousy was the only thing that between us. It went downhill from there.

So I leave something of me to you, as I always do. Love your friends, love your lovers. Never trade the place or it'll get ugly. As always I'm here for you, I'm a book.

Country Songs

Have you heard them or took the time to hear one. A good one. People may laugh and tease about it, but have you heard their hearts poured out in them. They aren't trashy, they don't degrade people. They talk about love, life, anything.


Trust me on this, you don't know country music til you have it given to you. When someone picks songs for you because they remind them of you, it's priceless. It's like they were singing it to you. It's like they were speakless but found the words in the song.



Music is the essence of you. It's what makes you move, think, be.

Own Choices

There are many things that get you thinking. Friends getting significant others, someone getting hurt, or a death. The worst is death. I makes you wonder if you've done enough or if there's anything you should fix. It's a time where you analyze your life and hope that you're isn't as crappy as you think it is.

Many people wonder why people do things that are out of the "norm". I honestly can't tell you why. There's shrinks out there that will tell you shyt out of your ass is the problem but no one trully knows the problem. Only the beholder does.

Why then do we question the choices people make. Isn't it their choice. Of course some could be wrong and out right ridiculous but you must honor their choice to an extent. Not everyone will agree with what it is.....................................


-many weeks later-

I think it should go out like this. Dropped at the end for you to finish. After all, it is ultimately your opinion.

Words that can't describe

Some people say it's crazy, others say it's love. I can't tell you which it is or why it is, but I can tell you that when you're feeling something and it's right, to take it. There's this saying by Dr. Seuss I believe that says,"You know you're in love when your reality is finally better than your dreams." I have to say, that at this point they're are right. Ya there will be downs, but hell there will be ups. They'll be so high that the downs don't look like anything at all. I know that my gut feeling doesn't lie to me and that the smile on my face doesn't get any bigger than this, unless I'm missing something. I know to keep things when they're good and right, so I'm keeping him. I'll keep him through the fights and the long nights that won't end. The working hours and the times where my parents won't bend, but that's OK. He puts a smile on my face. Shows me the world with a smile and a bit of patience. He listens to everything I say and thinks only the best. He keeps me safe and I've never been so comfortable with myself than with him. I know it's only been a short while, but like I always say,"We have the rest of forever." It's only the beginning, we have so much more. There's reunions, parents meeting, friends getting acquainted, and pets to get along with. We have more times where we giggle all night or when we go through our mhms. He's got me hooked to his music and nothing seems right anymore without him there. There are times when, I swear, I feel him right there. I think we bring out the best of each other and that's great. No one has understood me more than him and let me tell you, I'm confusing. I sing in front of him, which I don't ever do. I've been inspired again and I love it. It's like being back in your own skin again. He takes me for me and I love that. You know it's crazy when your so happy your crying. I seem to do that a lot lately. Ya I just graduated, Ya my birthday just past, but this is the pinicle. Yup the top, the cream of the crop. There's so many songs we have that we can't pick one. I think we should just make albums and those would be ours. I'm so excited, I'm giddy, I can't say I'm scarred because I'm not. I trust him with everything I got and I don't know if that's a lot, but I don't think he minds. I believe we are both falling and falling fast. I don't know who will catch who, but falling isn't bad if he's there with me. I can look down at my hands and know that where the spaces are, that's were he should be. There's so much to say, but so little space. No expression or mix of words could describe what I feel. I think the best quote I can come up with is someone dear to me. She said,"When I look at you both, I see me and my man when we started." Let me tell you about her, they're still in love and I believe it's been over a year.

So like I always do I'll leave you with a tid bit of me, although this is a lot. Remember to love like if it's you you're loving. Trust your gut and keep your friends close, if they don't like him; he ain't worth it.

Tuttles

A mix I couldn't resist

What's vicious is having your heart torn by old and new. Having the chance to start what you couldn't and starting something unexpected. It's an odd feeling being in this situation because you know what you have to do, but you don't want to because you'll feel sooo horrible about it and this feeling kills both relationships instead of just one. It's a stickling thing. It's so fustrating. It's the alphabet mixed up. One guy makes you feel like a woman and the other takes you on an adventure that you'd never expect. One has practically everything in commmon with you. The other is your polar opposite that seems to get you to connect. Both take effort, but one is more enjoyable. It's easier and lighter. There isn't curves, twists, and turns that are unbelievable. They are both indescribeable, but both are different. One gives me the peace and hope that I need to trive. Inspires, comforts, simple pleasures. The other brings out the deep within, the good and the bad. Treats as an equal, but special.

So much confusion, but it's all clear. I know how the others feel, so I know which way. It becomes clear that I've found a brother and a mate.

Giddy Things

You know there are times in my life when I’m so giddy I could POP, but never have I ever been this giddy. I’m so excited. I know why, but I don’t know why. It could be that whole new friend thing or it could be the fact I get HUGE butterflies when we talk. Maybe it’s been I’m officially accepted into society as an adult. Maybe it’s just a factor of everything. I gotta do things myself now, which is great, but also scary. There so much I wanna do, but don’t because that means I gotta grow up more. UGH……age. They say it’s just a number, but it’s a factor of experiences.
There’s a lot I learned in a smidget of time. Time is relative you know. Random tangent, but really what’s the point of time except to constrict you and make you get white hairs. Who wants that?? But going back, learning. You know they put you through school for over 17 years –if you go to 4 year college- and what do you learn. Hate lectors, don’t wanna write, read, or think. Why because there’s nothing to truly interesting than what is wanted to go after.
We need to think, create, and change. How are we supposed to stop the complaining if we just sit on our butts and do nothing? We can talk all we want, but if we do nothing; then we are nothing more than a speck of dust.
But this still brings me back to my excited state. I can make more of a difference now. Ya there are times were I may seem like I’m off the rocker, but hey if I made you analyze the situation then I did my job.
There’s also my other excited. I’m in a whole new situation in my life. I’m scarred I’ll do something stupid, but they gotta love me through that too, so I’m not too worried. Jeez there’s gotta be a billion things going through my head, but all I can think is DON’T RUSH. –laughs- I’m like the queen of rush when it comes to things I’m excited about. Luckily I got a bird to help me out and my girls that I can’t live without. They’re my “Sex and the City” girls and I can’t function without them.
So I suppose I close this with something brief, if you even got this far. I’ll love whether my heart survives or not, I’ll live because there’s nothing else to live for, and I’ll laugh because hell, life is a sitcom you can’t get out of.

Under Your Nose

There comes a time in your life when you just realize the best things in life are just und your noses. food. its always under your nose. kisses. under your nose. then comes the "figurative" ones. -is that even a word, well i spell pretty crappy- your best friends. under nose. they make you smile laugh, the best times are with them.
Which brings me to my next point, my friends. They are so diverse and let me tell you, i love them all. Even though most i won't see now because high school is over, i still love them. Theres some i've been to hell and back with, some just Canada but that doesn't stop us all from laughing. We've all learned to laugh at ourselves, each other, and the people we see at the places we go. -snickers- It's not nessarily a bad thing to do that, we just can't understand why they are dressed like that. Any who, my friends. Diverse. I'm not even talking about ethnicity, although i do have that. I also have social classes, clicks, and just different walks of life. They all have crazy personalities too. Just look at my best friends, no one is similar to the other. Each has a quirk, smile, and laugh; unique to their own. It's awesome.
Now, going back to the regular broadcasting. Things under your nose.
It's funny how we use this term for things. My favorite is when we relate it to guys/girls......the special someone we will say. How the best one is the one you least expect. It's under your nose. -ha ha- So i suppose we should see everything a step back or have a mirror to see under our noses to catch the things we are missing. Now for me, things under my nose get either over or under analized. Now that's a good and a bad thing because things in life should just go with the flow.
Which drags me into another story. One of my best friends has this philosophy. I'm not to sure how exactly it goes, but i believe it's "let live." It's totally true. I don't know how many times I go into a situation expecting something, and it comes out bad. If you just go with the flow and enjoy every moment, your good. I'm learning that if you smile just to smile and forget the things that are crappy, damn you have a happy life. I'm not saying to forget the past or ignore it, just realize you can't do anything and coast. You can do something, then do it, but don't stress. You get a nervous twitch. Like my friend says, "Life is what you make it, so surf." -yes, he's a surfer/beach bum- So I say forget the norm, do what makes you laugh.
So now i sign off of this blog, a piece of wisdom from me to you। enjoy.

Our problems are smaller than the world's

Today was intense. My last day as a youth group leader at my skool. My ex and me started talking again. It's my mom's birthday. Saw a total scandal between my friend and her ex. I still haven't met my best friend/crushes' girlfriend AND school is almost out. A friend of mine I think still loves me, but won't tell me and I'm tired of all things. The world around us is suffering. Wether it's from poverty, injustice, spiritual alienation, divorce of some kind. We all want to be something great. We all want to change the world. So why are we just sitting and doing nothing. Why aren't we writing letters, informing the masses, making that difference. Our world, starts at home. Be that nagging relative, be that crazy friend. Make a difference. If you are loud enough or insistent enough, there will be change. Wether it's in someone's life or in the community. So make that difference, be that factor in someone's live to make a change.

Another version of my termoil

Every day I bit more dies inside. Every time I see your face, I wish. I was ready to tell you how I felt, but you decided on getting someone else. I wanted to say how much I like you. How I think we could work. We are perfect in our imperfection. Let's try it out. I kills to think the maybes. I kills to think you like someone else. Best friends may make the best lovers. You trust me, why trust someone else. Each moment spend together is a piece of heaven. Each laugh, each hug is true. This is a tradgey of a love life, but true. If I could only tell you. If I could know of what you think of me. I'll take the good, I'll take the bad too. Don't keep me wishing anymore. There are times when I think we are on the same page. We tease, we hang, we trust. Hugs are endless. You do the cutest things like kiss my forehead or my hand when it's on your shoulder. You come and hear me play my music. You support me at no end. I support you too. I just think I'm in love with you.

The Battle Within

I totally hate this. This inner turmoil. I like him. I hate her. I wish I could tell him. What about her. Damn it. Bad timing. The day I was actually going to make a move and say it, tell him and he's taken. The day I was ready. I love being his best friend, but I want more eventually. I can't look at him and not wish. We have soo much good times. I'm totally comfy with him. Don't get me wrong, I was totally psyched to hear he got a girlfriend, but a part of me cried that day. I was pissy all that morning wondering why. I want to know what he feels about me, even if it's friends. I'll tell you there's times where I swear he totally gives the vibe and I totally fall. It's horrible. I can't live like this. I like him sooooo bad and he probably has no clue. I've told him before and he wasn't ready. I understood because he had a bad relationship. But now, with this; it's killing me. We always hangout, just him and me. It kills me because we mess around and sometimes cute things happen like he kisses my forehead or teases me or i tease him. It's one of those why aren't we together. Everyone sees it, but him. I don't care if he's taken. I want him for me.

Unconventional Love

I've realized something great. Something superb. Something I should've seen from the beginning. I have a love of my life. It's a bit unconventional and I must say it's shocking when you'll find out. I've known my love for 3 years and counting. Knowing I'll be with my love for who knows how long, my parents introduced me. I was so excited to meet them because my parents have told me so many good things about him. We've hung out almost every day ever since. My parents love them and I love them too. You see my love understands me and love the music that I love. They let my vent and sing and be totally me all the time. They are always at the beach with me except when other people drive. We go everywhere together. My love patiently wait for me when I leave to do something and is happy to go anywhere with me when I ask of it. They're fabulous. I wouldn't go anywhere without them. The name is Aden and he is my car. My little silver SUV that packs a punch when it comes to gas millage. Aden has so many memories that I would never take back. It carries half my wardrobe in the trunk and is the best appreciator of art. The bass is amazing for Jazz or for Hip Hop. Most people are jealous of it's extra abilities and cute beach bum spunk. I love my car. It's my Escape. My Ford.

A new Beginning

It's time to face it, we are all changing. My life as a high schooler is coming to an end. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's not all exciting either. I've realized I have to somewhat grow up. I'll have to do my own work on time, rely on myself, and not slack. I can't just put on the same thing every day like I'm used to. Everything has to be thought out. College is going to have a crap load of people. Not everyone is going to get my quirky, sarcastic, dry humor. Jazz will not be blasting out of people's radio systems. People are going to be from this era -not like I'm not, but I'm not always on the same page-. The beach will become my second home like most college friends I have. I also know that my best friends now are the only ones I will see in college. They are the only ones that truly matter. They've stuck by me like glue to paper in a snow storm. -yes I know it was corny, but that was the point- For those that don't know my life, you've been blessed with either a tragedy, comedy, or the like. My life is the roller coaster that people talk about. It is the Novela that everyone seems to watch although the outcome is usually very clear. I know that the end of my high school doesn't end me, but begins something new. A drastic change I'm willing to accept. I'll always have those memories. Even though by the end of this year I may not remember them all, but I have pictures to prove I was there. So maybe I can't hear the scandalous stories every Monday morning from my b-block girls or joke with my music teacher about the realities of life, but I can remember or at least try to. So lets cheer for this beginning because I refuse to let anything come to an end.

The Turn Around 04/22

So we get lost in the moment,
lose reasons to try.
We fight pointless battles,
crying out tonight.
Once upon a time there was joy.
Once again there is no more.
We rush, we hesitate, we run.
Confusion, attraction, then love.
When will we stop being so fickle.
Shouldn't we just try.
Isn't it better to have loved, than be oblivious of what's in front of us.
Should we fight for this cause?
Should we try for love?
Should we run away or come?

Get over it. 04/08

Is it such a commodity to always be the one that's stuck in all the crap your not even a part of. Your bff gets bitched at, and your just stuck on the sidelines waiting for the info to relay back to you. How crappy is a situation when everyone hates someone, yet your stuck doing shyt with them because you have to. It's not fair to the world that no one likes you, yet you clearly make a scene with no one caring. You won’t win. We do things to protect you and everyone else involved. It's not all bout you. Never was and never will be. Your just a spec of dust like everyone else. We are no better than you and you are definitely no better than us. Life isn’t a game to just play pieces. There are emotions involved. Your not the only one with a heart or lack of one. There are truly no words to describe how retarded this whole situation is. Relationships don’t have fairy tale ending unless both people work at it to make it happen. It's a two sided street. You can’t block one way. Love interests aren't worth the agony, no matter how much you love them. They’ll tear you up, rip you to pieces but at the end of the day; all of it is still you. You’ll patch up. It may take longer, or it may be shorter but you can't give in to the hate, the denial, the depression. You become obsessed and it takes over. You lose yourself, you lose your worth. You become nothing because the respect you had for yourself is now shyt. It's worthless. No one will respect you if you let yourself go. Stop the obsession, it's not healthy. If they haven't come back by now they aren't coming back. There's no point in trying. You say your over it, but your not. It's not about you anymore, it's about everyone around you.

Tragedy 03/02

What a tragedy it is to have your most prized work be of your lowest moments of your life. To have to relive the pain and agony of your emotions every time your recognized for that moment. Is it worth the fame and fortune, to show your deepest cuts to the light? Will it heal those wounds to share it? How horrible it must at first feel to write each letter of that moment in remembrance of ‘never again’ and knowing one day, it will be read by others. Not only does it have to go through critics but they are also criticizing your pain and suffering. What ease does it give to know that your sorrow is a masterpiece. The greatest thing you ever gave back to the world was your mistake written for the world to see. Of course only you, the writer know that it is a mistake. Writing about woes and sadness, the moment it struck you and how writing only took it away. The quill and the ink your guide to healing. Each stroke and swift of it mends the heart. Maybe it isn't so bad. knowing that when each person that picks up your piece will know and prepare. How each will cope and mend their own hearts because of what you wrote. Now we can see that it isn't bout us anymore. It's about them. It's about showing what it is to feel this and know this. To grasp it and understand. It's no longer your tragedy, it's your understanding.

Romanticism 02/27

I've had an inspiration, an idea that has popped into my precious little head. Romanticism. How true it is for those that have found someone or just find the beauty in everything. What it is to be a hopeless romantic and to find something out of nothing. How inspiration for them comes out of the air and how everything is right. Nothing is wrong, it's like an ecstasy that consume you from head to toe. It numbs you up but sensitizes every emotion. The little things become huge. All is exaggerated. All is right and nothing can bring you down but yourself. You see yourself day dreaming often and your head feels like it's in the clouds. Your lighter, your free. You’ve been unlocked from your deepest desire. Like I read in an article, "When you set your heart free, it’s as if your lifting something off your shoulders." It brings that warm feeling. It stirs things up and lets go of all the evil that was holding you down. Nothing is like romanticism. It is set a part. To know this, you must be it. It’s an ability. To find the romance is an ability to see things through your soul. It is a gift. Use it wisely and it will treat you well. When use abuse it, is when things are lost in translation. Be the hopeless romantic because it’s something better than nothing. Find the romance in the little things. Endure because it’s worth it. Once you’ve found it, don’t let it go. Hold on to it. Cherish it. Grow from it.

Passion 02/26

A lot of people say that they are passionate, but are they really. Do they truly have that essence? Is it just a word we use for the extreme of something? Many explain it as a drive, a force that compels you to go. Passion. There are many types of it. Good or bad, but most things have that quality. Is passion felt through the heart? It seems that way. When there are no words to describe it, most put their hands over their hearts and use a face to express what they feel. It's difficult to put into words what you feel when there are to many to say or none that seem just right. Passion. It consumes you at that moment and nothing else matters than that one thing. It could be anything. It's like blinders that keep you going forward. Passion. Makes some of the inevitable happen. It's what makes explanations hard when you attempt to define what just happened. Passion. When the simple becomes complicated simplicity. Where most things are flipped upside down. Passion. Where one glance can take a breath away. Passion. When a moment is dragged out for an eternity. Passion. Where everything is remembered to the exact detail. Passion. The best worst thing to ever happen. Passion. It's what you make of it.

Perfection 02/23

It's amazing to know that there's someone else out there just like you. Where you both like the same things, have similar catch phrases, and could just bout know what the other is talking bout without having them finish. Some people think that too much of a good thing is bad, but aren't we always striving for that “perfect” relationship. It’s interesting to see who becomes bitter and who becomes happier with the news. For those who become bitter, total jealously that you’ve found what your looking for and they haven't. The happier ones are the true friends. The ones that support you 100%. Of course we have the 50/50, but you can't win everyone over. This thing we call a relationship isn't even that because it’s too different from the day to day friendship. That's not where this would end up. This is one of those things that when you wake up, you smile or when you remember a smell, you wonder. It's the little things that count as much as the big things. Where everything is taken into account. This relationship not only brings out your inner beauty, but also your flaws. If that person can't care for your flaws as much as your beauty then keep looking. Keep searching. Things could be fine and dandy, but if they don't like all of you, then damn. You have to like everything. They will be with you forever. This isn't one of those “let me date then ditch” type of things. This is serious. You can't go around hoping that they’ll find you, sometimes you may have to work at it to, but the one thing I learned is that you can't try to find it. It’ll just happen randomly. There was a reason for you to be there at that moment. Nothing can take you from that moment when you find it. It's just amazing. Right when you meet them and you click instantly. It's crazy, it's wow. There are really no words to describe how it is. You just know. People may say to soon, to soon, but you know. You just know. There's no explanation nor do you want one. You just know and your happy.

Postoning Death 01/27

“I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.” -Anais Nin

It's so true. Isn't the best way to cheat death is to live. To go through each day like its your last. To take risks and love like it's over. The quote that stands out most to me other than that is “the worst mistake you can ever make is not fixing what was considered a “mistake”.” It totally applies here. The biggest mistake I could ever do is not do what makes me smile every day or makes me want to get up in the morning. you live through emotions, through actions, through everyone. You cannot live in your death. You cant go on with yourself if there is no substance. Where's the meat in your life? Is it in your friends, family, yourself? All three? Other things? Where is it that you feel free, zen, peace, love. “ Laughter is the best medicine.” Great quote. Isn't it true though. Don't you feel the release wen you laugh. Don't you get some weight off your shoulders when you laugh. It's the same wen you cry. There is some sort of release that happens that brings you back into balance. You find your zen, your om. You can give only as much as you receive, so hope for a lot. At times we over do things and we become fried. We share so much of us and nothing comes back so you feel empty. There has to be a give and take. Nothing works without it. You may think it does but after awhile, it backfires. Don't be those that wallow in the shadows. Losing someone. It's ruff. It's as if a piece of death caught up with you. As if your not complete anymore. Your just nothing. This then somewhat becomes a death but it shouldn't. You need to push past it. You need to celebrate them. They wouldn't want tears. So live, because there is no tomorrow if you don't celebrate today. Take risks, because you don't know what will happen. Share everything, feel everything. Be open because tomorrow is just a promise.

Jazz 01/16

Jazz music is such an expression of your soul. To hear the lyrics and feel the pain or love. It moves you. It takes you in and breathes it’s sound into your soul. When it moves you, you know that you’ve found the meaning of the song. What was meant behind it, what moved them to move you. For that moment, nothing can change that emotion, that passion. Once you’re in, you’re hooked. It’s almost like a drug that never loses the high. Something you can always find. When someone plays and you understand what they are saying to you, it’s poetry. You saw a glimpse into that person’s soul. The essence, the core of themselves. When the singers pour out their hearts and dreams and everything into that one song; it’s powerful. They give a piece of themselves to you. It’s like a gift they keep on giving, something that has meaning; for you. So you will understand and know what it’s like to be in their shoes or to know, that they understand what you have gone through. So don’t neglect this emotion, this passion. Feel it, be it. Engulf the sound, let it engulf your soul.

The Point, my dear... 01/08

What is it exactly? Why the heck to we attempt to impress people. It’s not like your being yourself anyways. You try to do what you like but also please people. Example, everyone tries to impress their parents at one point or another. Why? Honestly if your parents loved you wouldn't they just always support you. Even if you’re at your lowest. Also what happens if you do a minor thing and their “complete trust” in you is abolished. Bullcrap man. Why even try then. I know your suppose to honor your mum and your pa, but at times it stretches ya a bit too thin. You know that even after your “grounding” is over that they will still not completely trust you. They will question everything and give the most idiotic curfew. Jeez what about forgiveness and second chances. Life can’t stop because of something small. What about the big things. Poverty, War, Justice, Peace, Love. We consume our lives in the little things that we forget the bigger picture. We have fallen short of this vision. This theoretical vision that could possibly happen if everyone pitches in. Shouldn't we help our neighbor and bring more communion of souls together. People helping people because that’s what you do. Not for gratification, not for the fuzzy feeling, not to be noticed; but because everyone deserves help.

What exactly is the point then, of anything? We there is no true purpose if the intention isn't there. The good intention. What is a good intention? Do we truly know? We are brought a certain way that things out of our norm seems weird. That a thing like chivalry is frowned upon in most societies because that makes you less manly. Bullcrap. Being able to show outward kindness without a reward is great. Of course you may never be recognized, but the fact you did it anyways says volumes. So is that the basis of a good intention? To be kind, to be just. Sounds super corny, but then shouldn't we follow the golden rule? Isn't that what would heal loads of problems now-a-days.

We will never know without a choice to try. You can’t say you don’t like it, if you never did it yourself. Take off your own shoes and put on these shoes. Be just, just because it’s kind to do so.

Religion 01/06

Why do we argue about it? Honestly, isn't it all the same. We say as catholics that we are universal because that's what catholic means but you know there is some uneasiness. What does it matter what religion you are or what you practice every day. We are still praising God, are we not. Does it matter where we practice it and who we pray with. What name we call God, father, Allah, Buddha. Of course some religions have many gods, but isn't it just an extension of the one true God. Couldn't we learn how do pray better, be better from other people. Couldn't we all learn how to treat our bodies, our temples to God, better from someone who’s view is different from ours. Do we just discriminate from others and assume by what they wear or what they practice. Shouldn't we see there belief in what say and do. How things get lost in translation because they can’t get past the outside. How bout looking on the inside for a change. Not seeing what they put on the outside, but the desire and pureness on the inside. How they treat others and themselves. We are suppose to be universal. We are suppose to glorify the God that created us. We can’t hinder it by disliking our own brothers and sisters. We are an extension of each other. We should help each other, not hinder it. We are such passionate people and at times the passion goes to the wrong thing. We must not only look inside ourselves but also the others around us. Sometimes the best way to find ourselves is in others. Isn't that the true religion. When we find ourselves; we find the piece that connects us to our creator. Not our earthly creator, but God. It’s true we can God everywhere; nature, people, music, art, literature, anything. If you can find the passion, then you have found God.

Words 12/09/07

What is a word if it's nothing more than an expression? A feeling, a notion, something worth having. What if it’s lost, stolen, or mistaken? Will words stop coming, and the risks stop making? Will it be lost in translation, as most things have? Will words stop breaking the bonds that we had? Will the words keep preaching, will the words keep feeling? How do we know, if we cease speaking. No one will know what the other is feeling, if they’re feeling at all, if it’s at all real. So keep the words flowing, the heart pumping, the lips preaching. Words will speak though no one may listen. Once spoken it becomes stone, it becomes known. It is, it’s own.

Trainer 12/06/07

It's roaring in my ears, fire in my veins, the adrenaline pumps harder until I'm almost insane. My fist clenched, my voice hoarse, pacing the area without a fault. I stare into the distance as time slowly ticks down, although only 2 minutes, I have to go through each round. Each moment is a victory, each moment is pain, each moment is decided by those in play. I wait on the sidelines hoping my services aren't needed, each moment a prayer, the answer, needed. The tension will thicken, the sweat will fall, each move is precious, we have no room for stall. The time’s almost gone, and so is the color of the faces of people, who watch with apprehension. The whistle blows, the victory won, the boys, my boys with satisfaction now drawn on their faces. The adrenaline is gone, fatigue sets in. As my body loosens from the tension, my final prayer begins. I pray to my father, my creator and friend, for the victory won over by my boys’ win. I also give thanks, for he is the one, who kept my boys safe, kept them as one. I take one last sweep around, check all of my boys, smile in contentment and head for the doors. I can now leave in peace. The day now done. My work here is finished, just for today, it starts again tomorrow when the fight then comes at bay.

As I travel through the night 11/12/07

I know what I’ve become. I can’t change it now. As I prowl through the forest,without making a sound. I thirst for what I shouldn't,but my change is a fact.I’m traveling through the darkness to find relief at a Mass. Although holiness burns, I can’t love again. I will travel this forest to attempt to make amends. I am a vampire, as pale as I am evil. Although I wish for this freedom, I have have reached the steeple. As I walk through the door,I find a saddened maiden, but I will leave her this night before I would make, the biggest mistake of her life. As I pray to the moonlight, a whisper appears. It’s the humble maiden, through her grief stricken tears. As I bowed down before her, she whispered in fear,“Are you my angel?” “No.” I teared. I embraced her through the night, although dawn was coming. I decided that an angel was worth becoming.

-I made it in the view of a male, so don't freak.-

Truth 11/05/07

How silly this is, how world has been filled with drama. The truth has been told by someone else as a release yet it has consequences. When can it be the day that we can take the criticism and the good with the bad? How can we tell someone face to face, when they misinterpret everything that is coming off of your lips. How do you know that these things, these pressures are for your development and ours.
Once we think that we need no one, is the time wen we need everyone. When that time slows down just for you to realize what you need to do. It's not a verdict but a choice. We surround ourselves by noise and space because we realize that honestly, we can never be alone. We need someone to occupy space because it's needed not wanted. When can we honestly say that we love someone because we need them. Or is it the other way around. Which is the correct choice to make.
At least in my life, it has become very sticky. Friends are fighting, mothers are crying, and people are losing their way. It surrounds me, tries to consume me, but it will not prevail. You see, I have a choice, a simple one but complex in its nature. I can choose the right way or the wrong way. I can help or neglect, but how many will suffer if I do nothing. If I do something, what will happen to me. Will I survive? Will I keep together.? Will my world finally fall apart? Will time stop ticking? When I cry out for Jesus, will I recover fast enough. Will I be able to save the souls that saved me. The people that made me, me. The ones that picked me up when I had no arms to reach, no words to speak, no breath to breathe; the ones that held me close until I could see the sunlight again. The ones that nurtured and helped. The ones that understood, but never had to speak. Their acts so loud that I didn't even have to blink to know what was true. To realize that my life was bigger through you. That without this, my life is incomplete. Knowing that you are there day and night, all the time, without a fight. I can go to you at whatever time. You'll listen, you'll understand.
So as I close this note, to those to read. I hope you see how different things could possibly be. Don't take things bad, don't take them good. Just think bout it, until it's understood, what I'm trying to say. It not to someone, but me. It's a letter to myself when I don't believe. It's to those in a struggle or see things in a different way.

Everything 10/22/07

Our lives are full of surprises. People we’ll meet and people we hope we never have to meet. Making the difference seems easy, but at most, it’s difficult. How do you stay close to people that are forever changing. Our lives are changing pages every day and how do you stay the same? At times you know someone so well that it's as if your one, but yet there is that separation. When you seem to find the thing you've been wanting, is it all wrong to have it? How do you know one person is right from the other? Do you not want complete trust in every person you meet because that's what they want in return. Or are things just meant to hide under other things until its too deep to see what truly lies under. What if you find the person your meant to be with but your so consumed in this fake life, that they fell for that and not you. When do you know to let that all go and just be you. Then when the time comes, your heart gets taken away for someone else's, but how do you know this one will work just as well. There's faith, but it is your life in their hands. How sad it is, to give your heart and then have it slowly torn into pieces with each rude remark, disrespect, and no compassion for what you think. Is this what all of us are craving for. We all crave for the comforting blanket, the warming of your insides with just a glance. How movies depict all we ever wanted and somehow never get. At times, we just send lil' bits of us throughout some people because it's easier that way. We call them our friends. Friends are family and the closer to you, the more family they are. I have a large family, although I only have a brother by blood. It's incredible to see how large your heart is when you just try. There's so many thing stored up within us that we just can't handle. We send them amongst others to disperse this and make it better. Those that say there heart is torn in pieces don't realize they just gave a piece of their heart without getting a replacement. That's were our friends come in. they give back what we gave to them, so we can be complete again. Over time it grows again and when the times comes you give back. That's how the give and take works. It's a comfort that is there if you just look for it. We all need it at times.

Journey 9/30/07

My journey is like a winding road that starts with the beginning. Although I don’t know the ending, I feel somehow it’ll change me. I was sent through the forest, through the thoughts and feelings of my every day life. How simple it was to get lost in the high shrubbery of problems, of the drama that is truly not there. How I may felt dim and lightless when the forest got to dense with problems that I faced. When I felt the forest would consume me in it’s oppression, I saw a light at the end. I reached that rebirth, that freedom of openness. Although it’s a new beginning, I realized it’s a new path. An unknown feeling that it would be long and strenuous. It seems to be a simple one, a narrow passage of dirt between fields of tall grass and mountains, but yet in it’s simplicity there’s a change of sorrow. A sorrow of my past, lurking behind me, daring me to look back. In the distance I see peace. A simple chapel with more love pouring out, than a cathedral of gold and splendor. At the sight of it, I knew I would find everything I was looking for and more. As I slowly get there, trying to stay calm and not get overly excited; I opened the door. This door was heavy and in it’s plainness, it was home. As I walk in, I notice a figure in the front and my heart stopped. It was the man I’d been loving all my life and could never see. The person that I give so many questions to and his caring answers kept me whole. I walked up to and him and he stood to give me the most comforting hug that anyone has ever given. As our embrace finishes we sit next to each other in the pew that he was in. Although he didn’t say a word, we had a conversation that settled any doubts I’ve ever had. I knew my purpose; why I was here. Many people wouldn’t understand how something that simple, that small, and to some insignificant; can make a difference in so many lives. By the end of our moment, I was leaning on his shoulder as I do to anyone I care for. I stood to leave because my time had come to leave that space, I looked at him and with my face he knew I loved him. I loved him more than anything I could ever love. The best thing was that he told me to share. So as I walked out and took the last glance of the man I loved, I walked out with such peace and a serene essence. I walked back up that narrow path; I knew that I must begin my work.